And just like that, we went from talking everyday to barely talk at all. Now, even after knowing how much you mean to me, you would still do this. I don't know what to feel anymore.  Empty and sad.

too much

Tell me what did I do wrong? Is it because of what I said that day? Is it because the way I pulled you down all the time? Is it because I was and still am such a nuisance to you? Tell me. Tell me. You can't just ignore me and expect me to be okay with it. You can't just treat me like shit while you treat others who weren't even there for you in the first place better. I was there. Me. When everyone else was against you. You can't do this to me. No.

The main question now is why you're doing what you're doing to me right now?

525 600

Everyone's trying to shut me down lately. Thank God school is about to end and I don't really care much about people here but I grew to care about you. Eventhough you don't even want to breathe near me. I am truly grateful for everything. Thank you so much.

Trying to give my 100% focus on my studies and trying my extremely best to not give a shit about you. Wish me the greatest luck.

need to be an alloy

It's 3 in the afternoon and the thought of you made me cry again. I thought maybe since we were never together, it would be easy for me to forget about your cute little face. But I just can't seem to do that. You're everywhere. Everything I see, hear, touch, smell reminds me of you. I want you... so bad. But it's wrong. It's just so wrong. I loved you. Shit, I still love you so much. You're in my mind, my heart. Everywhere. You're inflicting too much on me and it hurts. I just want to be able to feel something else rather than feeling this deep admiration towards you. I have decided that I will off myself. Utterly and completely. Kill myself if I had to. But always remember that I love you. Always.

Why did you have to go to her when I was the one who has been there for you through everything?

02:11 am

I can't sleep knowing the fact that you're probably still talking to her. The good for nothing bitch who has no sense of being a human. It hurts me that you don't even talk to me that often anymore. I miss you so much. You inflicted too much pain on me and I am so weak. I am not strong enough to handle all the pain at once. You are everything to me. Everything. What happened to your feelings 3 years ago? Probably it's because how I gradually became uglier. I hope there's still a slight something in your heart, deep down, towards me. I value everything we had and have. I just want you to feel the same.

How could you still sleep peacefully knowing that I am trying to off myself?

Please, thank you, excuse me; what are the purposes of these words?

I can't seem to get you out of my head and I hate it. I can't take this anymore. I can't take not talking to you. I can't take crying every night just because you didn't acknowledge my presence. You're just too much. You occupy most of my heart, probably all of it. It's just too difficult for me to handle. I just want you. Even as low as being only friends. I just want you. And only you. Nobody else matters anymore, to me. I guess this proves that I love you so much. I want you. Please.


I said please, so can I get what I asked for now?

Probability of us is probably less than zero and it hurts

I thought I was special to you but it turns out..... I'm just another one of your classmate. I loved you. You told me so too. I may still love you now, too much. Come back.

I miss the old you, us.

solid liquid gas ; I am neither

I am not a matter. I do not exist in this cold and dark world. Out of place.

not the best thing nor the worst thing; definitely the greatest thing ever

Remember the first time we met? I couldn't resist laughing at how hilarious and fearless you were. The first word you said to me was "Hello" and I said "Hi" back. Then I thought to myself, why didn't I meet you during primary school before?

After the English test, you were place in the first class while me given the fact that my English is not the same level as yours but that didn't stop us from talking. We didn't talk much during the first since we weren't in the same class but remember the time everyone thought I had a crush on you just because I was observing you from afar? But you knew that I only looked at you because I was worried. We usually talked at night via Facebook since there was no Whatsapp and plus, you didn't get your phone yet.

The next year, we were placed in the same class and that is all where all of this started. You started to call me 'sayang' and I didn't know what to feel so eventually, I started calling you that by using that word too. Then, we get so used at talking to each other, I told you almost everything and I swear, during that time, we were platonic. You told me how much you loved calling everyone sayang but in the end, I was your favourite sayang after all. Do you remember that? I was your favourite sayang. Me. The person who owns this blog, was your favourite sayang. What happened?

Maybe I was naive because I was still young. What could a 14-year-old feel when her own friend tells her that? Maybe, just maybe, I didn't suspect anything since we were just close. I still remember the time you told you loved me and I said it back since I thought we were just saying it for the fun of it. And again, we were really close friends. I really thought there was nothing more than that. The whole year of 2012 was hell since my parents split up during that time but you were there, waiting, when I missed school for almost 2 weeks. Then, you told me how excited you were to see me at school again. But the year didn't go well as I thought it would. My depression started to kick in and at first, I could control it but as it goes on, I couldn't control it much longer. Scars were everywhere, some of it are still visible until now. You were there, all the time. You took care of me, you made sure I didn't do anything stupid. You threw all of my battlefield weapons away. You never failed to make me, well, me again. And I really thank you for that.

The next year, we were 15 and still in the same class. We got distanced from each other due to some unfortunate circumstances that I really don't want to recall. I still hate you for choosing her side and said how I was jealous of her. I wasn't jealous of anyone. Anyway, 15 was another difficult year for me and I wish to forget it completely.

2014, we were placed in the same class, again. We were surprised because you would be the last person I wanted to be in the same class in during that time. Then, it's like 2012 all over again. We talked every day about everything. We told each other almost everything. However, we were much mature than before so we didn't say unnecessary words to each other anymore. Our conversations started to get really really mature and it showed our age. Then, I realised how much we have grown. 2014 was a blissful year full of ups and downs. I hated and still hate my class but however, having you by my side was something I really look forward to everyday. From seating next to each other in class, lab and library to spending our time at the nearby mall together and to participating in useless-outdoors-activties-that-wont-bring-any-good. Everything was splendid when I'm with you. I started to realised my true feelings towards you last year and I really prayed to God that it wasn't true. I can't bear having this kind of feelings towards you.

Finally, this year, same class, same tuition center. But the only thing different is.... you. You changed a lot. You started to avoid me completely, it's like I never mattered to you in the first place. We fought almost every week and almost got into trouble for shouting to each other. All of it for what? For her. For the person who lied to you from day one. The person who tried to make you go against your friends. And you just let her do that. Don't you think that is too much? Because everyone else do think so. I was there for you through everything. This is how you treat me now? I am tired and sick. Really devastated. I'm sorry but you really changed. I miss the old you. Please come back. Don't do this to me. I can't bear with this anymore.

Remember when you told me you used to like me in 2012? I thought it was all a lie then I stopped my step to the train station and said to myself, 'that explains everything'. Sometimes, I wish the 14-year-old you would meet the 16-year-old me so then maybe we could be together. The first time you kissed my forehead was indescribable. I felt infinite and I wanted more. If only you weren't also a girl then it wouldn't be so rough.

I miss you. I really do.

and then there was none

Every year, every month, every week, every day, every hour, every minute, every single godforsaken second. The same thing happens. Friends act like friends but they won't be there for you.

I can't count how many times did I hurt myself because of them. They act like they care but once they realised that my depression is getting to an extremely serious level, they left. Left me all alone. It's like I don't even exist in the first place. It's like I am just a sore to their eyes. It's like I am nothing. I think it would be better to be a speck of dust rather than being nothing.

Now, I just want to off myself completely. I just want to disappear and never come back. I just want to die. Everything doesn't seems right since 3 years ago and I can't take it anymore. Tired and devastated of everything.

Sometimes, I think to myself, "am I really a person in this world or am I just an illusion?"

Not really a good start

Deleted all my old blogs just because I can't comprehend the bitter past anymore.

Started a new blog since blogging is not something everyone use nowadays hence, I can write everything here instead of actually talking to someone. Plus, I know nobody is interested to read what's inside a 17-year-old-girl's mind anymore, especially this girl. This is why I feel safe here. 

But if you are reading my blog, I suggest you to stop and do something better. You will only waste your precious time here.